And then they all laughed

2006-08-23T21:08:00.000-04:00

Hm, well...

I'm about three days out from moving. I keep thinking that there is so much to do and so little time to do it in, yet I'm having trouble being busy all day. I guess I'm busy thinking all day.

For instance, more recently I've been preoccupied with room-decorating. Photos, posters, etc. I have so many pictures on my computer that I'd like framed...I know Eckerd will print your digital photos for you, so I might have to take advantage of that, and then buy a ton of photo frames. I think I like the idea of covering my room with pictures of friends, family, special people. Being surrounded by their images makes them feel less far away, I suppose.

And then there are the (very few) posters. Actually, I think I have only two. Perhaps I'll find more on my mother-daughter shopping trip. Who knows. Maybe a wall tapestry? I'd want to consult my roomate first, though.

I also happen to love black and white calendars. Especially because you can cut out the beautiful photographs and frame them as if you'd taken them yourself, or bought them at some expensive art store. That's today's cheap decorating tip. Hmm, maybe I'll buy more calendars...for more wall art. They aren't so expensive.

Hmm, what an appropriate title.

Oooh, Paris. If you look at more views of it, you'll see that it has a photo of the arch that the Washington Square Arch is modeled after. Also very appropriate.

What is with all of these Shoe calendars? 1. Who wants to stare at shoes all year? and 2. Why is it in the Art and Architecture section?

Hmm, self improvement and self help calendars...I don't think so. Interesting concept. Almost like those word-a-day vocabulary enhancing calendars. Oh how silly our society is. Always hunting for outside advice from strangers, as if they know us better than we know ourselves.

Hummm. Thinking about these little details helps. It's not that I'm worried that by the end of the year, I'll have no friends and one hellish experience to recover from. It's just that...hearing reports from every one of my friends who has already moved that they feel awkward or isolated or sad or even somewhat disappointed or some combination of these feelings makes me worry that I'll feel that way. And maybe I will. I've accepted that...sort of.

But wait a minute. If it's anything like orientation, it really won't be so bad. I recall really enjoying orientation, and I was perfectly able to make friends there. So what am I worried about? I....don't know. But what can I do about it when I'm days away from it?

Bury myself in little room-decorating details.

2006-08-21T23:43:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am. I am 5 1/2 days from going to college. Moving into my dorm. Why is that so hard to believe?

I don't think I'll have problems as far as the practical aspects of living away from home. I can keep my room tidy, do my laundry, my homework, the dishes, feed myself (and not gain the freshman fifteen), keep up with how much I'm spending, I can even travel on my own (once you've been on a greyhound bus, airtravel is a breeze).

So...what's making me a bit nervous? I have to make new friends.

I have to make new friends without a "home-base" to come back to. Well, ok, so I'll have Chris and Ryan in New York, and I'm starting to "make friends" with my roomate, and I have the few people I friended at orientation, not to mention Alex to check in with. A lot.

Sigh, I dunno. The funny thing is that I just posted advice on one of Ze Frank's forums about making friends in college. Not to mention, I talk to my friends who have already moved in, and they have the very problems I'm afraid of...backstabbing new friends, or feelings of isolation. And these are people who have friends already going to their schools. Gahh! But maybe the friends being there isn't always so helpful. Maybe it impedes the friend-making process. Maybe.

I guess the most bothersome thing about it is the fact that I can't do much about it now. I just have to sit and think about it. Once I'm there, I'll be out doing it. That's consoling, I s'pose.

Although, I got really excited tonight when my roomate and I were talking. We sortof hit it off...I think. I can't really tell at this point, I guess, but we seem to at least be able to get along, which I guess is the most important thing right now.

Alright, so I've convinced myself that it won't be so bad. Thank you blog.

2006-06-21T21:57:00.000-04:00

It has been a long time. Who knew ten days could be so....drawn out, endlessly dragging on and on. Alright, so the cruise thing was actually pretty cool. Good food, great shows, and the novelty of a floating city. But it was still long. I think the problem was that I wasn't with all of the people that I really wanted to be with. Every so often, I looked at my friend's family and thought "This isn't my family...this isn't my life. What am I doing here?" But it wasn't all bad. We were just at this rather awkward age (who knew 18 could be awkward?) where we weren't ready to party with the adults (who were all inebriated), but we were done partying with the teens (the teen club catered to ages 15-17...a maturity level that we just escaped), and there weren't many people our age on board. And I rather missed my dearest boy (only 3 weeks and 2 days...that's 552 hours, down from 840...sigh). The only thing I bought was internet. How silly.

But today I ordered luggage (in NYU colors, of course). And a backpack. Mmmm. College will now be tangible in these items. And it's the only really productive thing I've done since I graduated.

2006-06-04T23:51:00.000-04:00

Ok, fine. I'm giving in to myself. I want to be a better blogger--well, what I meant by that was, I want to be a more loyal blogger. But, if I were a better and more interesting writer, I think I'd be equally satisfied. Actually, I'd be more satisfied with that.

But no, I am trying to be a more loyal blogger, and I chose the night before my hardest exam day to start. Actually, it's not that difficult of an exam day. It's just English, part of which will be watching short clips of comedic films for our comedy projects, and the other part of which will be 40 quote/character ID's and 3 short answer questions; and Latin--essentially all of our 2nd semester tests combined...and we already took the AP.

Unfortunately, however, (and here is where I confess my academic sins) I haven't read one of our comedy unit books...in its entirety. Yes, I completely neglected Shakespeare's As You Like It. I've seen the play, but that was a year ago and I hardly remember it. I think I was distracted by the fact that it was cold, so Barrett and I left to get a blanket from Tom Martin's house and came back. Oh, and what a good impression I'm making on Ms. Callanan. I just emailed her for the second time tonght at 12:04 a.m. to tell her that all is well, and I have the video I need to present tomorrow, and that my earlier frantic email was the result of a misunderstanding. Woo, I am such a good student. Also, I haven't studied two of the latin tests that I need to study for the exam...but I figured I could do that at the end of the english exam period. Boy, I hope there's extra time. Humm...

And also, instead of studyng today, I printed out calendars through next May so that I can mark important dates through my freshman year at NYU. At least I'm organized in some way. I guess I've already sort-of checked out of high school. Maybe it's the fact that I stare at my graduation dress and cap and gown every time I'm in my room, which is basically all of the time that I am at home. I had previously thought that graduation hadn't hit me yet, but maybe it already did and I'm just over it. Maybe. I'm like Jack from the movie Jack with Robin Williams, in which the main character, Jack, matures 4 times as fast as a normal human being. So by the time he is 10, he appears to be and his body functions as a 40 year old man. That's creepy. If puberty happens around age 13, and the most interesting parts happen at let's say...16, because it's a multiple of 4, then at age 4, he would be sexually maturing and hungry for girls. "Hey there little boy." Except I'm not sexually mature 12 years ahead of time. I'm just past this whole graduation thing, as well as Seventeen Magazine. I'm starting to get bored with Glamour, and magazines in general. Maybe I will quit them soon.

Maybe I should quit writing this post soon. It's quarter after 12.

2006-05-28T22:38:00.000-04:00

Without Alex, I would not be cultured.

2006-05-25T21:35:00.000-04:00

I wish my family were more like a family. I didn't realize how much this college business could really irritate pre-existing...conditions. Sigh. And I wish people could realize the power of some of the things they do or say. Sometimes it's enough to leave one quite...changed, at least for a few days. And these things aren't bad, they're just...altering. In a way that sticks for a bit, that turns about in one's head and one's stomach. I don't want it taken back, I just wish it weren't so much in my head.

2006-04-23T23:59:00.000-04:00

Heh heh heh. Ahh...

2006-04-23T00:05:00.000-04:00

My new favorite.

2006-04-15T18:31:00.000-04:00

It's interesting how this turned out so colorfully. It's almost easter-y.

I have to thank Alex for being a photoshop master.

In other, not-so-important-to-anyone-but-me news, I found a song by Foreigner that I like. I'm so proud. I'm branching out!

"In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've travelled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I want to feel what love it
I know you can show me"

2006-04-09T12:43:00.000-04:00

I think this picture is perfectly descriptive of us.

The night, while actually long, passed by entirely too quickly. Oh, to be at that dinner table again. At the prom itself. On the floor in my bonus room, watching Tron.

Tempus fugit.
Tempus fugit nimium celere,
Sed si in perpetuum me esses, id non tantum malum esset.

2006-04-02T17:14:00.000-04:00

Well, unfortunately my blog is no longer as unique as it once was. Stupid Walagata did a few stupid things:

Stupid #1: They got rid of all of their free accounts.
Stupid #2: They didn't notify any of their free account holders.
Stupid #3: They didn't delete their free account holders' uploaded images(ok, well, that's not so stupid, however, read on), but they require you to pay to retrieve your images.

Bah bah bah. They never had enough space anyway.

But really, how can I be in a bad mood after a wonderful spring break? Or after my New York dreams came New York true? I can't, really. *A pleasant sigh* I did it.

(view post below)

2006-04-02T16:34:00.000-04:00

It's official:

That's me next year.

2006-03-22T18:26:00.000-05:00

Recent events have put me in a new...mood isn't exactly the word. And if it is, it's a consistent mood. A consistent good mood.

I guess I finally feel like I have some idea of what I want. I have my sights set on a few goals in particular, and knowing that they're getting closer to becoming realities is comforting, not to mention the fact that there is a general sense of stability surrounding them. It was daunting at first, though, but as I trust it and myself, it all seems to be coming together, or getting ready to.

Optimism, that's it. Optimism.

2006-02-28T22:01:00.000-05:00

You're a consumer whore! And how!

which rejected character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yessssssssssssssssss...

2006-02-09T16:49:00.000-05:00

2006-01-30T17:37:00.000-05:00

It's not the sunniest of days. It wasn't all that dreary, but it was certainly not the sunniest of days. I've always liked this kind of weather. Somehow it seems less harsh, gentler than the bright sun, gradually lifting me out of or lowering me into sleep.

Of course I used this opportunity this afternoon to take a bit of a nap. As I was on the more conscious side of things, my interviewer from Duke called to schedule a time to meet. I felt mostly comfortable on the phone with her, at least. Should I be nervous? I don't feel it at all. I'm looking forward to it, actually. Maybe as the week passes I'll feel it more. Maybe I should be nervous, but then again, perhaps not. Well, I hope I don't end up that way. We're just meeting to chat. That's how I see it.

I feel somewhat like Daft Punk and Tally Hall mixed together, with perhaps a dash of The Shins, a touch of OKGo, and some Norah Jones on the side.

2006-01-15T15:27:00.000-05:00

It's not the pale moon
that excites me
that thrills and delights me
oh no
it's just the nearness of you

I started my class at NCSU this past week. It is the closest college campus to me, yet I feel like I'm in a completely different world. Hillsborough Street is not the same Hillsborough Street that I had once thought. And so I found that the saying is true: It's not where you are, it's who you're with.

I've been around everyone I want to be with in the past few days. I suppose counting down the days, weeks, months until it all ends puts a damper on everything. Each part of life is a life in itself. It has a birth, and it has a death, and everything in between is life. Some lives continue beyond the deaths of others. They overlap. To spend life thinking about death is not living at all. I'll just enjoy this one while it lasts. There are other lives to be lived and to continue living after June.

2006-01-05T21:36:00.000-05:00

"Here's that part again where everything's more than it should be and greener seems to fall beneath your feet."

Everyone has different advice on college for me. Of course, it all depends on the particular aspect of going to college that they're looking at, be it a new world to explore, the quality of the school, the cost, proximity to home and...

*Shrug*

Ms. Soloman said today, "You're really ready." She was talking about NYU. *Shrug* again.

"You fit just right
right next to me"

2006-01-02T20:33:00.000-05:00

Well I've submitted 4 of 6 applications. I should feel better, but now I feel like I have absolutely no control over those applications anymore. That's it, that's me on paper. They're going to see. They're going to decide. Gah.

I'll just cool off by listening to Daft Punk.

And staring at this picture.

So good.

2005-12-30T23:56:00.000-05:00

But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

2005-12-21T00:25:00.000-05:00

Like a cauldron bubbling over.

2005-12-18T22:50:00.000-05:00

Warning: this post is a little emo.

I feel isolated in this midterm study bubble of mine. And I keep catching myself clenching my teeth, thus my jaw pops more and more often.

I feel disconnected, do you? I do for some reason. I can't really identify why that is. Maybe it's just the stress of midterms and college applications and a fear of rejection by people who don't even know me. Maybe I still feel rather weighed down by guilt. Conflicted, that's it. I feel exposed, but I don't want to withdraw.

There are so many things to look forward to, but right now I'm being swallowed, consumed, drowned. I almost wish I could go back in time and escape.

Funny that I'm addicted to a song called Sunshine.

Sunshine go away today
I don't feel much like dancin'

2005-12-16T21:32:00.000-05:00

Wow, I actually feel really good about the physics exam. Surprisingly good. At least that's one less thing to worry about. 2 down, 3 to go.

X Drama
X Physics
English
Latin
Psychology

And then college application essays for real. It's surreal. Am I really filling out applications? Really? So soon? It's too soon, and yet a long time coming. I want to leave, but...if only there were things other than clothes and a mini-fridge that I could take with me.

But there are still things to look forward to. New Year's...Winter Formal, and the time in between. Months and months lie ahead.

I suppose I should focus on right now. And right now I need to work on my english essay.

And true
It may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head...

2005-12-13T19:35:00.000-05:00

Quite productive is how I feel, despite all the work that there is to be done. It seems never ending, but at least something is going right, and that is that I'm getting some done.

Those To Come by The Shins seems especially inspiring. Now that I've figured out how to organize my essay for english, maybe I can figure out these secret santa/white elephant gifts. 3 in one week, sheesh.

Oh wait, I have to make snowball cookies for tomorrow. Why do I volunteer for these things?

1 gift down, 2 to go.

But at least some things are very mmm. Mmm.

2005-12-11T23:07:00.000-05:00

I feel a little off.

2005-11-27T16:31:00.000-05:00

I hope this doesn't mean that I'll never get to be daddy's little girl again.

2005-11-18T17:23:00.000-05:00

Am I really?

I haven't processed it yet.

2005-11-17T20:40:00.000-05:00

Neutral Scene

Etude #7

B is offstage. A picks up blocks that are scattered about, stacking them into a hollow pyramid. Just as A is about to put the final block on top, he looks around and spots B’s Barbie doll. A walks toward the unattended doll, looks around, peeks around a few corners, then snatches it up from its resting place. A throws the doll into the pyramid with a mischievous grin. A hears B’s footsteps and, quickly, with a quiet chuckle, tops off the pyramid with the final block.

B enters, paying no attention to A, who is admiring his pyramid, adjusting and straightening the blocks every so often. B walks to her Barbie’s resting place and, discovering that the doll is gone, turns around, obviously peeved, toward A whom, engrossed in his pyramid, B suspects to be the thief. B walks up to A, whose back is turned (A is facing his pyramid). B taps A’s shoulder, and barrels through A’s pyramid as A turns in the opposite direction. The pyramid falls, B swoops up her doll and walks away triumphantly. A examines the wreckage in astonishment and, enraged, hoping to return the favor, says:

A: I hate you.

B, with a slight laugh, feeling rather victorious

B: You don’t mean that.

A, snapping back, walking up to and standing right above B, who is tending to her Barbie sitting on the floor

A: More than you’ll ever know.

B does not respond, and A, annoyed, whispers something in B’s ear. B, offended

B: Why are you telling me now?

A, crossing his arms, his face tilted upward

A: Because I think you need to know.

B, trying not to show annoyance, turns away from A. A, annoyed that he is not getting the reaction he wants, bends down and pinches B. B gasps in pain and screams, and after her fit

B: That really hurts.

B continues to rub her arm. A suddenly feels remorse, and sorry for his actions

A: You’ve changed so much. (The implication here is that A & B use to play together and get along, but now B is more interested in her Barbie. Here A should sound genuinely hurt at his loss of such a play companion)
B, looking down at the ground

B: Not by choice. (Here B is implying that A has driven her to change because of his incessant pestering)

A grabs the Barbie from B, and holding it up eyelevel

A: I can’t understand you. (Here it is unclear whether A is talking to B or the Barbie doll)

B turns toward A as he stands staring into the Barbie’s face

B: I’m not asking you to.

A, thrusting the Barbie forward towards B (A is holding the Barbie by the hair)

A: It’s her fault you know.

B, who thinks his accusation is absurd

B: Don’t blame her.

As B stands up, reaching for the doll

A: She changed you.

B jumps for the doll, A pulls it behind him

B: Maybe.

B reaches around A for the doll, A holds the doll above B, out of reach. B continues to jump and swing for the doll, but to no avail. Teasing B again

A: I thought you were stronger than that.

B slumps to the floor, annoyed and disappointed

B: So did I.

A glances back and forth from the doll to B

A: I don’t think we should see each other again.

B looks up at A

B: That sounds so final.

A, throwing the Barbie across the room

A: It’s the only way.

A walks offstage while B looks on in the direction of the thrown Barbie in astonishment. B takes a moment to contemplate A’s actions, and realizing that she has potentially lost her playmate, gets up and runs toward where A has exited. B stops short, however, realizing that she really has lost her playmate.

B: I feel lost.

2005-11-17T00:10:00.000-05:00

I am applying to college this month. That is all.

2005-10-31T18:04:00.000-05:00

What am I doing for halloween?

Homework.

You know it's a little sad
that these childhood traditions
magical traditions that used to create
so much excitement and anticipation
don't really matter anymore
and yet they used to mean so much
somehow
candy isn't a reward anymore
not like it used to be
if you want it now
you buy it for yourself
because now we understand the concept
that to receive halloween candy
and to give it
the parents buy it
and that is still money out of the household
and therefore we find it more practical
just to buy ourselves our small amount
and we don't really want
massive amounts of birthday or christmas presents
because we really do care about what is inside
and not so much about ripping off the paper
our wish lists are smaller
and more practical
for the most part
we don't even consider asking for something too extravagant
we're realistic now
we do homework
instead of halloween
cramming for exams
instead of christmas festivities
in the week or so leading up to the holiday
i wonder if we will put up red bows this year
or lights
or if it will even seem like christmas when it is
we didn't even carve a pumpkin this year.

2005-10-18T22:46:00.000-04:00

This is where I'm headed.

And my visit has just increased my determination.

2005-10-10T21:13:00.000-04:00

I feel more reflective these days...and yet I also feel like I'm coming out of a period of deep thought and entering this...phase...of doing and feeling. Though I'm not ignoring my thoughts, I'm just stopping them restricting me as much.

And all I can listen to is Hallelujah.

"And remember when I moved in you;
the holy dark was moving too,
and every breath we drew was Hallelujah"

2005-10-09T01:44:00.000-04:00

rolling stones

I thought a lot during that concert.

And now as I listen to Wild Horses, I'm flooded with thoughts, contemplations, questions to ask myself. I seem to be facing every possible you-need-to-think-this-through scenario about life and everything that goes along with it. Sometimes I think I'm too careful, too cautious, too bent on trying not to make a mistake. Do I think too much? And the question rears its ugly head yet again. But really...it's like what we discussed on the calculus Ex day. Why are we so stuck on trying to live in the moment and trying to analyze the moment that we can't even allow ourselves to be there? I wish I weren't counting down the minutes and wishing so hard that they'd slow down whilst standing in the pouring rain under an awning. Sometimes I just wish I weren't so damn aware, and yet more aware.

"You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn't drag me away"

2005-10-01T21:56:00.000-04:00

This is one of my favorite parts of life.

Of course not all of it is so grande and glamourous, but what I have to reflect on couldn't be improved upon.

But I don't know what else to say that hasn't already been said.

2005-09-29T08:52:00.000-04:00

Problem = Cousin's wedding on Saturday evening

2005-09-28T17:32:00.000-04:00

I've felt...busy the past couple of days. Sometimes productive (like last night and today) and sometimes just busy. I decided today that without business I would be bored, and therefore I decided that I like being busy.

If only I could decide on some other things. For instance, a general direction for my life. Apparently college and New York aren't specific enough. I have this image of myself in my mind, and I'm just this outline of a person and the middle part isn't really filled in yet. Normally it wouldn't matter so much that it seems like everyone else knows what they want in general, but now I'm in the position of competing with them. It's daunting. It makes me feel very small and very...much like a blurb that isn't noteworthy. A blurb that hasn't done much for herself and has only been following others' pathways. I'm tired of following but I don't know where to branch off or which direction to go in. I've always thought of myself as a math and science-y kinda 'gal, but I don't see myself happy there. Maybe psychology...I don't know. I want a chance to be creative, but it seems like you have to have pursued something from the second you started breathing to be allowed to pursue it more seriously later.

I feel like everything else is on hold until I can figure this out. And yet I don't think I'll absolutely know for a long, long time.

What the heck is college about anymore, anyway?

More importantly, what am I about?

2005-09-26T21:31:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to think that I have some sort of neurological disorder...that little muscle above my left eye won't stop twitching. There's something wrong with the motor cortex in my right brain! I wonder if it has anything to do with sleep...

And it does, as far as I can tell (google is handy), unless I have some random form of epilepsy...but I don't think that's the case. Whatev.

But hey, at least I'm grasping forces in Physics. Why I have to get to the point where I want to drop the class before it starts to make sense, I do not know. But I guess it works.

"Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together"

2005-09-25T13:18:00.000-04:00

I wish I had time today to think about something other than homework. I realize this seems rather hypocritical, as I'm obviously taking time to post on my blog. But eh.

If only my motivation for Webteam, SGA, Psychology, and Drama could be applied to my other school work.

2005-09-22T20:41:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Michael Buble

Current Mood:

It's funny what little things will improve your mood ^ace of spades.

I think sometimes I make myself scared of something that isn't scary. Though I must say that despite always being optimistic (and that's true for this case, too), it's the first time that's happened. It's the first time I'm just not sure what to do next. It's good in a way. I'm not doing my usual....usual. And I don't want to this time, either.

"Come fly with me,
let's fly,
let's fly away"

2005-09-19T18:28:00.000-04:00

Freshman year:

Boy I had short hair. Let me tell you this, never let your father tell you how to get your hair cut. I look happy, at least.

2005-09-18T16:56:00.000-04:00

Sometimes people surprise me in such astounding ways. This makes me think I really oughtn't second guess so much. I am also very much looking forward to whatever comes next.

And autumn. I think I have a pumpkin spice addiction that emerges around the time the leaves start to change. I can't wait for the air to become less saturated with water. I will probably eat my words in a few months' time, but I can't wait to be cold. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm on a spit over a fire.

"As someone sets light to the first fire of autumn
We settle down to cut ourselves apart
Cough and twitch from the news on your face
And some foreign candle burning in your eyes"

2005-09-15T22:27:00.000-04:00

I wish it would rain again. I liked being out in it.

In other news, my throat hurts from trying to roar. I don't have much of a deep, gruff voice....who knew?

2005-09-14T21:24:00.000-04:00

Well....

I.........

Do you?

2005-09-13T19:59:00.000-04:00

Today was most certainly a better day. I'm getting things...calculus, physics (at least I think..), psychology....

Except...I'm not entirely sure where my "place" is. I'm happy to be where I am, wherever that is, but....where is it? And how do I figure it out? It's not a big issue at the moment, but eventually it will make a difference when it comes to what the rules are. In fact, some ground rules might be a good thing come a week or so from now. Hmm...

But so far so very, very good.

2005-09-12T19:52:00.000-04:00

"It's a disaster
it's an incredible mess
but it's all we got now
howling with laughter
panic, alarm, and distress
but it's all we got now"

Today = Murphy's Law

Everything that could have gone wrong, did...well, sortof.

I finally finished my essay around 1 a.m., then stumbled into bed only to wake up again 6 hours later. As soon as I walk out of my door, my mom wants to jump in the shower ahead of me. So I just didn't have time to compose myself this morning. But then in Drama I discovered that my face was twitching just above my eye around my eyebrow. I had to do a performance today, too. Every time I tried to make a facial expression, my facial muscles just went wack. The check-in metaphor was "a book." Of course the first thing that came to mind was Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Sigh, the twitching didn't go away until around lunch time.

The day seemed to be turning around after lunch, until I got home. I was having a snack on a small ceramic plate, but of course it fell on my big toe, which is now swollen, blue, and bruised.

At least I'll have battle wounds to show for it.

2005-09-10T22:42:00.000-04:00

Mmm...chinese burrittos and synchronized-to-old-people-inspirational-music fountains and halloween zone...and good conversation with people you like.

I'm going through my song collection and I just can't find the right one for the moment.

2005-09-08T20:07:00.000-04:00

The website redesign club makes me happy. I am now (or will shortly be) titled a Raleigh Charter High School Website Editor. Yay! I was bursting with so many ideas this afternoon at the meeting that I came up with half a page of furious writing.

I think half of my enthusiasm comes from the energy Mike is radiating. It is an awesome project, Mike. You are a good team leader.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. Hmm...what will I be doing with it? Perhaps Joel and I can venture to Southpoint and bother Robert at PF Chang's.

In other news, applications are piling up. It's starting to become a reality...

"Oh girl, let's crash a party
El Dorado on the lawn
Let's burn holes in the carpets
Kicking, shouting, dancing on the tables all night long"

2005-09-05T15:46:00.000-04:00

What is a Bekka? Hmm...

College/scholarship applications have me evaluating myself in new ways. I think my brain is overloaded with questions about my past, my present, and my future. Which leads me to ask what my whole purpose is to begin with. But then the idea of my life having some sort of purpose suggests that wherever my life takes me is fate of sorts. Is it fate? I think too much for it to be fate.

Well...

I'm not a leader; I work better and more comfortably behind the scenes. I don't need the spotlight. I'm not a doer so much as I am a thinker. At times too much of one, I'll admit, but someone has to do it.

What are my ambitions?

Ha!

Do I want to help people? Maybe...I can certainly help them think and analyze and logicise... Can I better the world that way? Do I even want to better the entire world? Maybe I just want to improve the lives of a few people in the hopes that it'll have a domino effect.

How am I supposed to write about being selfless when I'm at one of the most selfish points of my life? I mean, it's true, people, it is. I'm just trying to figure out what it's all about for me, and the rest of you are doing it now, too, for yourselves. And all of this figuring-out is very exhausting and time consuming. Or maybe it's not and I'm just thinking too much as usual.

I would just like to sit back and relax for a bit, without all of this stuff hanging over me. I would like to talk to the people I like talking to.

Hmm...So this is what it is to be aiming for a goal, eh?

Agonizing --> Essay
Scholarship(s) <--Essay --> Acceptance into colleges
Scholarship(s) + Acceptance --> NYU

It's all a big pain, but a worthwhile one. I guess that's just life.

"Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Let it rain, let it pour"
Latin tutoring doesn't seem so hard now.

2005-08-31T21:52:00.000-04:00

Hmm....I don't think I should persue a career in teaching. I tried to be a tutor and I failed.

And now everything is hard to do. Gahh....I hate the beginning of the school year, despite its fresh start. Bah.

And the class I thought would be the hardest for me--Drama II--is the class I'm having the most fun with. And I am so not as mathy as I thought I was. Calc BC? I suck.

Will this week never end?

2005-08-24T21:45:00.000-04:00

I don't think I'm ready for school to start. Maybe it's not so much school starting as school ending...or facing my very uncertain future. Le sigh...the more I read about college applications, the more tedious and difficult and scary it seems. There is a whole lot of advice out there about what college admissions officers are looking for, yet the most valuable advice, i.e. from people who have been through the process, instructs you to ignore the fact that admissions officers are "looking for" something and just be you. Bah. It's exhausting to think about.

And I miss the beach. Or at least the people, or just

Bookfair tomorrow.

2005-08-15T19:45:00.000-04:00

I don't know. But I do. And you don't know. But on the other hand you might just have an inkling.

And on a completely different note, there will always be that gorgeous sunrise in my mind. And those shooting stars, but it's much more effective to make a wish on an oreo.

2005-08-04T16:58:00.000-04:00

I took a walk down to the swings. I leaned back as far as I could so that I could look up through the branches and leaves into the sky. I noticed the air as I walked down to the swings. It is dense, saturated with water, and it almost seemed dusty or smoky. Hazy. It wasn't particularly dark this afternoon, nor particularly bright. It feels like it might storm, though I couldn't find a dark cloud in the sky. I thought I almost smelled rain. I guess it's just a feeling I have.

2005-07-31T16:44:00.000-04:00

What is it about the beach?

I think about it all year round. How far is it from now? What do I remember from the trip I just took? How long until I'm on my way back again?

It has such an...effect on me. I'm trying not to sound emo here, but I really don't want to let it go. To tell you the truth, I keep trying to recapture it as much as I can. This last trip stands out because, well...let's just say something clicked while I was on the trip. I'm trying to keep it clicking. Click, click, click.

Maybe it's that I found myself laughing with more ease than I've ever experienced before. Maybe I found a cure for my summer boredom. Or perhaps it was something else, something imperceptible to just about everyone but me; it's possible I wasn't the only one to pick up on it.

Well, anyway, enough of my strange and vague rambling.

I forgot my camera, so my imagination will have to do.

2005-07-21T16:01:00.000-04:00

Schedule, anyone?

1-Drama II-Rasnick
2-AP English IV-Callanan
3-AP Calc BC-Felder
4-Psychology-Koch
5-AP Latin Literature-Stapleton
6-AP Physics B-Smith

2005-06-13T21:16:00.000-04:00

We get it almost every night
When that moon is big and bright
It's a supernatural delight
Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight

Suddenly I feel a sense of exhilaration. Summer has finally hit me, and there are a thousand and one things I want to do with it.

I can't wait...

Until my three week block of beach trips. I'm going to soak in all the sun, sand, and water.

Until I get my schedule. Yes it's weird, but I take a certain pleasure in knowing my class schedule and buying/organizing school supplies. A new school year is a whole new chance to start over fresh. You can be different in so many ways, or the same, or you can be different and the same all at once. Looking forward to it is in some ways more exiting than living it--at least for the moment.

To get my hair cut. What will it finally turn out to be?

To see Bewitched. It looks like a very good movie.

To hang with certain people. You know who you are.

To see old crushes, even if I don't have crushes on them anymore.

To have a hot tub at my disposal for a whole week.

To drive.

To dance in the moonlight.

2005-06-10T03:22:00.000-04:00

Hit or miss?

Tell me what you think.

2005-05-14T12:40:00.000-04:00

This blog needs some change, methinks.

The design is a year old, and it was very cool when I first did it, but there are so many more things you can do with a blog. Perhaps I should refer myself to that HTML book on my shelf...

Now I've just got to figure out what I want on it.

2005-05-09T19:56:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to wake up again, I think.

A while ago I went somewhere, without a second thought. I didn't even bother to look back, just kept on going. And now this whole time I feel like I've been asleep. Everything is a big blur, and I can only recall bits and pieces here and there. I've been half asleep for a little while, too, and I didn't want to wake up. I thought I'd like to linger there a bit longer, if I could only just. But I'm waking up now, and I think I finally want to.

Wait in line'
Till your time
Ticking clock
Everyone stop
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me

Do you believe
In what you see
There doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe in
What you see

Nine to five
Living lies
Everyday
Stealing time
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can

Do you believe
In what you feel
It doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my timeIn the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see

And I'll shout and I'll scream
But I'd rather not be seen
And I'll hide away for another day

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see

Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
-Zero 7, In the Waiting Line

2005-05-08T22:46:00.000-04:00

What an amazing time
What a family
How did the years go by
Now it's only me
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
Like a cat in heat, stuck in a moving car
A scary conversation, shut my eyes, can't find the brake
What if they say that you're a climber
Naturally, I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares, cause it's your life
You never know, it could be great
Take a chance cause you might grow
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Take a chance you stupid ho
Like an echo pedal, you're repeating yourself
You know it all by heart
Why are you standing in one place
Born to blossom, bloom to perish
Your moment will run out
Cause of your sex chromosome
I know it's so messed up, how our society all thinks (for sure)
Life is short, you're capable
Look at your watch now
You're still a super hot female
You got your million-dollar contract
And they're all waiting for your hot track
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for
I can't wait to go back and do Japan
Get me lots of brand new fans
Osaka, Tokyo
You Harajuku girls
Damn, you've got some wicked style
Go
Look at your watch now
You're still a super hot female
You got your million dollar contract
And they're all waiting for your hot track
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for
What you waiting for
What you waiting for
Take a chance you stupid ho (what you waiting for?)
Take a chance you stupid ho
What you waiting for
What you waiting for
Take a chance you stupid ho (what you waiting for?)
Take a chance you stupid ho

Gwen Stefani

2005-04-18T18:18:00.000-04:00

I have an announcement, everybody:

I'm running for Senior Class Vice President
After some thought, I have come to the conclusion that although I have some "say" in the goings-on at this school as a class representative, I don't think it's quite enough.
You see, in my experience in student government, the same things are going on every year. Of course, that's not to say that a good amount of those things have stayed put because they work and we like them. But it just doesn't seem like much is changing, does it? Nothing new is happening. And well, I'd like to do something about it, and I'd like to be in a position where I can be more assertive to make those changes.
I'm certainly not going to make huge campaign promises like "I'll get us a shorter school day and a longer lunch period," or anything of that sort.
No, I just want to have a chance to try out some new ideas, and to even get some new ideas. I mean, isn't there a way that the people representing you can figure out what it is that you really think without sending out some survey in advisory? I think there has to be.
I'm just out to mix things up a bit.

2005-04-05T19:11:00.000-04:00

New York, New York...Here I come.

I'm very excited. As a matter of fact, I've been waiting for this for a while now.

So is it wrong that I'm a little nervous, too?

I had this dream last night about the trip, and everything went awry. I got up on time, but somehow wasn't ready to go in time and became suddenly extremely late. I kept forgetting things, so that held me back, and my brother actually got to the trainstation without me. A bunch of people were going who aren't even in the Classical Society, or latin for that matter. Danny was mad at me, and so were Bethany's relatives who happened to just pop up in my driveway. But they agreed to take me to her house where my brother had said he'd pick me up. Turns out I'd accidentally revealed something to Bethany that her mother (and the rest of her family) didn't want her to know; something about a fatal illness. And then I actually did miss the train, and went to lunch with my mom. She said I could still get there somehow. But I was upset. And all the while I could barely breathe. I just kept trudging along, but nothing went the way it was supposed to, and I was fighting for air. I woke up with a strange feeling, and I couldn't shake it for a while. It comes back when I think about the dream.

I think I just want to be prepared. I'm excited, but I'm nervous. I might get a little homesick, have a longing for familiar faces; I'll miss Danny, too. Or especially. I don't like missing people, though; it feels like the air is being pressed out of me. I want to have fun, but New York is such a huge city. Somehow I feel like I'll be sucked into it, or that it will be too big for me to handle. But there's just something magical about it, too. New York just seems like a grande idea. Look at that picture up there...isn't it beautiful? All the lights, all the life, all the tall buildings and people. It's a real city. Sometimes Raleigh doesn't feel so much like a real city. Everything is so...inaccessible. You can't get anywhere unless you drive.

I just want a taste, a little hint of New York. Perhaps it will satisfy me, or maybe it will leave me wanting more. Or, I might come back with a bitter taste. I don't know, though. I haven't traveled outside of North Carolina in years. It's time for a change.

2005-02-27T13:33:00.000-05:00

Song o' the day and my new favorite (or o' the week, because I'm such a slacker):

I believe in you and me
I'm coming to find you
If it takes me all night
Wrong until you make it right
And I won't forget you
At least I'll try
And run, and run tonight

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Alright (x5)

I was out shopping for a doll
To say the least I thought I'd
Seen them all
But then you took me by surprise
I'm dreamin' 'bout those dreamy eyes
I never knew, I never knew
So take your suitcase 'cause I don't mind
And babydoll I meant it everytime
You don't need to compromise
I'm dreamin' 'bout those dreamy eyes
I never knew, I never knew
But it's alright
Alright

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright (x4)

Everything Will Be Alright The Killers

2005-02-12T23:49:00.000-05:00

Exactly what I wanted.

More than I could have dreamed of asking for.

Perfection.

2005-02-03T18:28:00.000-05:00

I played the piano this evening. It's been so long since I've played, I don't know why I stopped. I enjoy it so much; it's relaxing. When I sat down and started to play, though, I realized that it was out of tune. Not in dire need of tuning, mind you, but just a little off. Just enough to notice, and possibly be annoyed. And the more I played, the more I noticed. But I didn't cringe, and I didn't stop playing because of it. I wanted to play anyway, because it just made me feel...good. I'm not any sort of piano prodigy, and I don't think I'm particularly good (I shouldn't have quit lessons in 7th grade, but that was just me then). I just like to see, to feel my fingers moving, gliding, ever so gracefully over the keys. I don't care so much about the tune, I won't complain about it. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I just want to play the piano.

Autour de moi

Je ne vois pas

Qui sont des anges

Surement pas moi

Encore une fois

Je suis cassee

Encore une fois

Je n'y crois pas

2005-02-02T01:18:00.000-05:00

I learned some things today. I'm not sure if I wanted to know them, really, but I know them now. Considering the focus of the evening, these little tidbits of knowledge tied right in. But I'm not sure I wanted them to. Then what did I want to hear? I don't know. I think that's the trouble with me. I just don't know what I want. I don't know what my expectations are, nor what they should be. Thus I often find myself disappointed. Nothing can go exactly the way I've planned it to go, it is impossible. And I do not say this out of frustration or hopelessness. It's a fact that I've accepted. Well, somewhat accepted. I'll still have my disappointments.

Strangely, I feel rather calm. I don't feel so disappointed anymore, I don't feel much now. Sleep is tugging at my eyes, beckoning my eyelids to rest, but I will not let them. Not just yet. I do feel odd, though. My torso feels empty, as though a secret door that even I was unaware of was opened and everything just fell out, without my noticing. And now I walk around with an empty torso. And I feel odd. My muscles tense and relax, tense and relax, and my eyelids droop, heavier with each blink.

There is nothing to think about anymore, nothing to analyze or argue about. Nothing to debate. My body tells me that it's done. Today is over, and the only thing to do now is to surrender. Give in to the only urge I have left.

I think I will go to bed now.

2004-12-28T21:41:00.000-05:00

2004-12-20T20:49:00.000-05:00

BabaORiley583: your blog is crying out for lovin

Well, ok, fine. So I suppose I'm not so busy that I can't take a few moments to post on my blog and please the few people who actually want me to update. But exams do suck.

They make my mind go numb. My mind goes completely blank, and I am in uber-concentration mode. This is difficult to keep up for days at a time. I suppose that's why I goof off as opposed to studying while I'm at home.

Today, however, was exciting. Despite the fact that it was my hardest exam day (APUSH then Latin), my mother decided we should get a real christmas tree. It's my first, ever. We bought it (and Cutie Guy McCuterson helped us with it), and then went off to search for lights and ornaments. You see, I decided that the color scheme this year would be white lights, and gold, silver, red (and perhaps green) ornaments. But nobody seems to carry white lights! What is wrong with the world? Usually stores over-stock and then have after-christmas decoration sales. This is stupid. Anyways, mom is out searching and found some stuff. So we will decorate when she gets home.

And Danny, stop being so alpha-male about it.
BabaORiley583: shutup
sWeeTaRt11887: yeah, that's what i thought

2004-12-07T15:43:00.000-05:00

So I was looking at my sitemeter...

And I found a blog a didn't recognize.

This is hilarious.

2004-12-01T21:24:00.000-05:00

Well it's finally December. It was summer not too long ago. This time thing is so...disorienting. I can hardly keep up with things one minute, and the next I'm bored. Hmm.

I am excited, though, about Christmas. It's a magical time of year. Red and gold and silver and green...glowing lights, glittering ornaments, boxes wrapped in shiny paper with satiny bows on top and ribbon wrapped round, family talking, laughing, even in heated debates, children, giddily hopping about, tugging on mommy's dress asking, "When do we get to open the presents?" And the whole holiday can be so sentimental. At least it is for me. I <3 align="center">Now it's years

Since your body went flat

And even memories of that

Are all thick and dull

All gravel and glass

But who needs them now

Displaced they're easily more safe

The worst of it now
I can't remember your face

Return

For a while

With the vertigo cured

We were alive

We were pure

The void took the shape

Of all that you were

But years take their toll

And things get bent into shape

Antiseptic and tired

I can't remember your face

Return

You

Were supposed to grow old

You were supposed to grow old

Reckless, unfrightened and old

You were supposed to grow old

Return

You were supposed to return

2004-11-23T11:13:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact that it's not even quite Thanksgiving yet....

The girls and I couldn't resist. Consider this our christmas card to everybody.

2004-11-21T21:36:00.000-05:00

Last Night

2004-11-18T10:31:00.000-05:00

Sweet Seventeen

2004-11-08T21:45:00.000-05:00

Hot damn.

10,000 hits.

Celebrate.

2004-11-02T19:19:00.000-05:00

I can't stand it.

Some people are so inconsiderate. I hate finding these sorts of things out about one of my closest friends.

Pissed doesn't even scratch the surface.

2004-10-14T13:20:00.000-04:00

With the upcoming presidential election fast approaching, everyone is taking a side.

And you know what? It drives me nuts!

Not that people decide to choose a candidate; that I understand. What I don't understand is why people choose the candidate/party they choose. Who actually cares enough about the issues to choose a candidate that way? Umm....quite a minority, that's who. And who actually knows enough about the issues to choose that way? Once again, a minority. I'm sorry, but the statements that those candidates are making to the public are vague. They say they're going to do this, that and the other but they don't say how; and a lot of times they don't really give their reasoning, either. Like why did Bush put a ban on gay marriage? Because it's wrong, he said. There have to be other reasons than that.

But does anybody care to look? No, everyone just wants to be angry with Bush, or with Kerry, or whoever. Everyone just wants to take sides and say proudly, "I'm a Democrat!" or "I'm a Republican!" or "I'm a Libertarian!" etc., etc. And then they want to get angry at other people for being the opposite of what they are. Everyone wants to shout out, "You're wrong, and I'm right, and you know it."

And some people won't even affiliate with those belonging to other political parties. Does anybody realize how absolutely absurd that is? That's like saying, "I like pineapple and you don't. Oh, my God, I don't think I can have anything to do with you because you don't like pineapple and I do! What will people think?!" Everyone has different beliefs, be it political, religious, ethical, or even the belief in Santa. As Americans, don't we pride ourselves on being tolerant of other people's differences? So why are we pushing each other away?

And why don't we at least try to look at as many sides of the story as we can? It's like everybody is afraid to get a different viewpoint. Really, what's wrong with being open minded? You don't have to agree, but if you can at least hear it and consider it maybe it will do some good.

And I don't know what party I belong to or what candidate I would vote for. I admit that I don't know enough about the issues or the candidates to make an informed decision; but I'm not willing to just pick a side because of my parents or because of peer pressure or whatever else. And I'm also not willing to go shouting my viewpoints from the rooftops, forcing it on people, and chastising those who don't agree.

So can anybody give a reasonable explanation for that? I guess I just don't understand.

2004-09-25T23:51:00.000-04:00

noisolpxedepar96: update
noisolpxedepar96: now
sWeeTaRt11887: update on?
noisolpxedepar96: your blog
noisolpxedepar96: now!

Upon request I write this post; but it just seems so forced. Usually I blog when I feel inspired to write about something that I want people to know about. Going around and telling everybody is too tiring. You all ought to realize by now that I can be extremely lazy--not that I won't work when pushed by the appropriate motivation--and thus my blog is the perfect solution.

I thought just now that I could post a part of a little story I'm working on for English. But y'know, for one, I somehow can never really be proud of my work (well..in certain circumstances, writing not being one of them), and secondly, writing a story on my blog isn't really my style. I write about my own life, and dramatize it. Or sometimes it's just "I love such-and-such a band," or if it was during November and December of 2003, it was about being "in love," or January and February of this year was about being hurt and crushed and that "Boy Who Cried Love" story...well, ok, so I posted one story. But it had a purpose. It was to uh...hurt someone back. This story doesn't have a purpose, really. It's just my own stream-of-conciousness writing, things I think are amusing or clever or are good writing, when really, they aren't so much. I'll probably look back at it later just as I looked back on this book I wrote in the first grade called "We Mad Julre." You can just tell by reading the title that it's uh...pretty not-so-good. But it's oh-so-cute. However, reading it reinforces the fact that my writing has improved by LEAPS AND BOUNDS.

"His neighbor, a young woman by the name of Alicia, often eyed him at his mailbox from across the street. Usually she was in her pajamas and a colorful pair of some sort of animal-shaped slippers that were coordinated so well together, one would think she deliberated long and hard about what to wear to bed. Her hair was never messy; it was as though she popped out of bed each morning ready to go, not a hair out of place nor a wrinkle in her pajamas.

Jack turned from looking at his neighbor to his mailbox, which he was hunched down in front of, his eyes level with the open box. He pulled out the mail and thumbed through it.

"Nothing interesting..." he thought. He looked back toward his neighbor's driveway; she was staring at him, but jerked her head away quickly. Blushing, he thought, she tip-toed up her driveway and into her house.Jack laughed to himself, turned and walked up his driveway, allowing himself to linger a bit while re-evaluating his mail.

He read his name over and over, on each envelope; it was the same every time, but reading it each time made him wince : MR. JACK M. MOUNT OLYMPUS. He was always reminded of his father, and of his father's stupidity, he thought. How logical was it to change your name to impress some girl? Furthermore, how logical was it on the part of the girl to be attracted to such a name? And finally, how could you live with yourself knowing that you've attracted a girl to a name rather than to yourself?

He was never able to understand, no matter how much time he spent deliberating the matter; thus he dismissed it with the belief that his mother was influenced by the standards of society at the time (men must be rich and powerful, or at least seem that way), and that his father fell into the trap like the fool that he was. Yet this dismissal never sufficed, as he was reminded multiple times a day of the legacy his father had left him."

That's all for now, folks.

2004-09-19T00:27:00.000-04:00

Well, it's back. I'm back to blogger. ::cue those start-up electricity noises::

I have to admit, I missed my blog.

Anywho, since I've been gone, Bethany introduced me to Franz Ferdinand. They are like, the most awesome band everrrrr. They're Scottish (I love their accents), and they rock. Apparently, they make music "for girls to dance to." Well, hey, I'm a girl, and I like to dance. So there you go.

And they're certainly the most well-dressed band I've ever seen in concert. Not that I've actually been to a concert of theirs, but I've seen videos.

In other news, it's getting cold and I'm happy. Being hot, sticky, and sweaty all the time gets old, y'know?

2004-09-07T20:28:00.000-04:00

Oh, I have neglected this blog.

Since the start of school (or, well, shortly thereafter), a Friday Movie Night seems to have been established, and is moved from house to house each week (at some point, I propose we watch Donnie Darko). I rather enjoy this; however, I still feel somewhat cabin-feverish. This particular feeling has not left me since my return from my August beach trip.

Sigh...to be back at the beach.

And it's not so much the water, at least on this particular beach trip, that is so enticing about the beach. Rather, it is the sand which attracts me out of my beach chair.

Dudley the sand-turtle-skull is my creation. His eye sockets were hollowed from my very own two feet.

If only time didn't move so slowly, now. That's the trouble with the beginning of the school year; it takes forever to get into the school year. And I find myself bored, and at the same time a bit overwhelmed, and I suppose that is the reason that I often catch myself tuning out the world and slipping into my own imagination.

If only I had the ability to write. I could certainly come up with a bundle of stories. Of course, they'd all have very similar themes; but isn't that just the way it works for most writers, and even musicians?

What is it about the present reality that I seem to be all the time trying to escape from?

2004-08-29T15:15:00.000-04:00

Photo Story Contest

So here's the scoop: I'm giving you's guy's some random pictures with which I want you to create a story that goes along with the pictures. Are you up to the challenge?

Create.

2004-08-26T19:27:00.000-04:00

And after almost three weeks of blog-silence, I am compelled to post. The blog just seems so empty without updates...

The beginning of the school year has kept me rather busy, and I also think it makes for a dull post to complain about homework; it's just so over-used.

But it does take me a bit to finish it all. That is mostly due to my terrible procrastination habits, which every once in a while I find the strength to overcome, and also to various and sundry phone calls from friends, my mother, people looking for my mother, and solicitors. One in particular sticks out in my mind, though. Confirming my address to send a donation card in the mail, an obviously want-to-be-chummy solicitor said, "So, I see you live in Raleigh! You know, I have an uncle who is a policeman in Raleigh." I didn't know what to say, so very politely I responded, "Oh, that's interesting..." He continued on: "You know, I don't make many calls to Raleigh." "Oh.." Eventually I didn't seem to show enough interest for him to go on, and so, sounding flustered, he mumbled something about getting off track and finished checking my address, obviously sticking to his original script.

Why do they try to act like friends to the people they're bothering? Solicitors, I mean. If you ask me, they're just asking to be embarassed by someone they don't even know. Not that it matters..

So as I have in the past promised...

A picture from Topsail Island. One of the most beautiful, too.

2004-08-07T16:51:00.000-04:00

It has been over a week since I've blogged, I do realize. I've been at Topsail Island, and what a wonderful trip it was, indeed.

Strange how a week can go by so fast and yet slowly at the same time; and it never seems like enough. More, more, I say. More sand, more ocean, more time in a house full of people, more chaos, more...escape.

The true purpose of a vacation is to escape, as we all know. It has always been a great disappointment to me to see an end to a trip, and once home, I find myself attempting to escape again. Getting lost in a movie, a book, a TV show, pictures; something other than the present, something besides the moment I happen to be currently living in. Isn't it strange how I spend most of my time looking forward to upcoming events or back to the past? What fraction of my time am I actually spending purely in the moment? Hm.

I have pictures...beautiful pictures...many pictures.

2004-07-29T00:43:00.000-04:00

It doesn't look like me, does it? It looks...surreal.

2004-07-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

So much work to do...

I've decided that before I go to the beach next week, I must finish my summer assignments for APUSH and AP English. So far, I have this much left to do before friday:

I hope to knock this stuff out tomorrow:
-Finish taking notes of chapters 5 and 6 of Founding Brothers
-Begin Mock Interview for APUSH assignment
-Write essay on my affective/cognitive response for The Accidental Tourist

This stuff I'll do Wednesday, Thursday, and possibly Friday:
-Finish Mock Interview for APUSH assignment
-Write essay on my affective/cognitive response for short story (of my choice)

This I'm savin' for after the beach:
-Respond to AP Prompt with an essay

When I write it out like this, it doesn't seem like that much; but I assure you, the readers of my blog, that taking notes on that Founding Brothers book takes up a great deal of time. However, having attempted to complete said note-taking in small chunks has made me realize that the more spread out this assignment is, the longer I am actually doing it and thinking about it. Therefore, by biting the bullet and working long and hard tomorrow, I will save myself hours, nay, days of discomfort, knowing that this assignment is no longer hanging over my head.

But enough. Tonight I can relax, for I have nothing to do but chat on IM (and clean up, as my dad is coming to fix my computer, which is emitting a strange, but nevertheless annoying, humming sound).

My week at the beach could not come sooner.

2004-07-20T00:23:00.000-04:00

Yay for the new! Yesterday and today I've spent much time moving my room around. I moved all of my furniture by myself, too. This is a small accomplishment that I am rather proud of.

I even got a new bookshelf and desk to update my room. I did the bookshelf by myself, but Dianna helped me with the desk. Not an easy task, as first, it was broken and had to be returned, and then it was just a big pain in the neck; but it's done and I'm happy with it. I feel very independent.

It's back to the grind, tomorrow. D and I tried getting to work today, but her car was emitting a fuel/poxyish odor, which was not a good sign. We pulled over a number of times, only to find that nothing was wrong under the hood nor was anything leaking. So we didn't even make it half-way to the office, but turned around headed for Dianna's house instead.

But at least I'm happy blogging from my desk and looking around at my new surroundings.

2004-07-17T18:22:00.000-04:00

I haven't felt much like blogging, lately. I suppose that would be due to the fact that not much exciting is going on right now...comparative to the last couple of weeks, at least. I've spent more long stretches of time at home this week than I did in the beginning of summer. In that first month, I was always out and about, around town, or more recently, at the beach.

I just miss people. I miss all my friends that I'm used to seeing and talking to on a daily basis; plus I miss new friends. Let's face it, I'm used to being surrounded by people regularly and enjoying my alone time to reflect on myself; but now, it is the other way around and sometimes this lack of people can be oh-so-isolating. I've just got two more weeks of this.

Everything's so tame; I just need some excitement.

2004-07-14T16:12:00.000-04:00

I just got the new Norah Jones CD this afternoon. I like her music...I would describe it as: summer-kick-back-and-relax music. I can feel the breeze blowing across my face as I rock back and forth in a white, wooden rocking chair. Mmm...feels like summer.

Oh, yes, and I got my second paycheck today; woohoo for having money in the bank! I'm so stingy with money sometimes, though. Well, come to think of it...almost all of the time; at least if it's my money. Maybe that's a good thing...better not to be a spend-thrift.

I'm getting the hang of this adult-world stuff. Now if I can just conquer school...

2004-07-12T22:57:00.000-04:00

My throat hurts, I was laughing so damn hard.

2004-07-10T21:52:00.000-04:00

I'm back.

The beach was absolutely wonderful...I couldn't have asked for a better time. And the people! I met some really awesome people, and I hope I can see them all again. Ahhh....

As you can see, I got in plenty of time to catch up on some reading.

...And to sleep...

But anywho, this is the whole gang, the people that I met and some that I've known (11 years, Dianna!)

There'll be more pictures because Dianna has some of the realllly good ones; and there'll probably be some stories, too. However, I am much too tired to be telling any stories right now...I must let the dust settle.

Hey again, everybody; I'm home.

2004-07-02T18:59:00.000-04:00

Well, folks, this is my last post for a week. Tomorrow (at 5:30 a.m., those crazy mofo's) I leave with Dianna for a long awaited beach trip with her family and extended family. It will be nice to get away for a while...I'd rather not have to think so much for a bit. And you readers of my blog, my friends, you can call me if you so wish, on my cell phone. Of course, if you know it, you can call it.

And finally, the song I cannot stop listening to as of late. Enjoy:

Vienna by Billy Joel
Slow down, you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart
Tell me why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half way through

When will you realize..
Vienna waits for you

Slow down, you're doin' fine
You can't be everything you want to be before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight

Too bad, but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true

When will you realize..
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
And take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two

When will you realize..
Vienna waits for you

And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half way through

When will you realize..
Vienna waits for you

When will you realize..
Vienna waits for you.

2004-06-30T00:02:00.000-04:00

Oh, let me see...

Wed-Work
Thurs-Work
Fri-Work (training Bethany at work)
Sat-leave for beach with Dianna for a whole week
Sat-Come home..work

Maybe I'll get some at-home free time by next Saturday evening..who knows.

I'm so tired, but I just can't seem to sleep. Sigh..

2004-06-25T18:15:00.000-04:00

My Schedule 2004-2005

1st-AP English III (Schmitz)
2nd-AP US History (Newmark)
3rd-Adv. Systems Theory (Soloman)
4th-AP Calculus AB (Soloman)
5th-Latin III (Stapleton)
6th-AP Environmental Science (Smith)

2004-06-21T00:07:00.000-04:00

I always tend to feel bad...just completely horrible..when there's no one around to console me. Maybe it's because there's no one to take my mind off of my worries and troubles; and as hard as my cat tries, she just can't distract me long enough.

And it's times like these when I feel out-of-control; unstable, if you will. Writing in a journal doesn't work, either. After finishing 4 pages this evening, I realized there was too much to write and my wrist just wasn't going to take it anymore.

Once again, all I can do is curl up on my bed, the cat sleeping obliviously up next to me, and drown in my thoughts.

I wish someone would rescue me; but it can't be just anyone. There is only one.

2004-06-15T19:03:00.000-04:00

Work work work...I've been working. I'm a secretary now at my mother's office, and I actually like it, even when the work piles up toward the end of the day instead of being there in the morning... Just gotta get my worker's permit so that I can be paid legally..err, well, paid.

Tomorrow I am off, hanging with folks down at the lake (Falls).

Friday we may drive up to the lake house until Saturday...we'll see. My mother's been saying we're going to go since..the week before exams. It's been a month.

Mmmm..peaceful summer.

2004-06-12T22:51:00.000-04:00

Tonight was so refreshing..just what I needed. I think it's been a long while since I've enjoyed myself so much. It's nice to really be able to talk with someone...and laugh. A real conversation, in person, face-to-face.

Listening to Clair de Lune again...tonight it is my soundtrack.

2004-06-11T19:34:00.000-04:00

Mmmm...life is good, yes life is good. I feel so much less isolated now than I did before. Before...before, I felt chained. Ahh, I feel so free, now.

Usha and I met Barrett for some mini-golf on Wednesday and had a stupendous time trying to find a place to eat with a bathroom...parking garages don't seem so ominous anymore.

Thursday was my first full day of work (9 hours..geez), and boy was I wiped out, especially after only 6 hours of sleep. From 7-8, my head was in the clouds and I was in a hypnogogic state (half asleep). Today was much better though...Dianna came for her first day, so my work was cut in half, leaving us much "relaxation" time. Ahh, but the best part of today was the lake...we got lost in it (not literally), just floating and absorbing the sun and air. As I've said once before, it's so easy to get lost in pleasure. We lost track of time...

And Usha is on her way to dine with me. Yay for summer...

2004-06-09T13:30:00.000-04:00

I'm listening to Clair de Lune...something about it brings tears to my eyes. It's not sadness, it's just...beauty.

2004-06-06T17:54:00.000-04:00

It looks as though this summer is going to be a very good one. How do I know? I'm not sure, I just feel good about it.

Although, this first week felt like a blur...I'm still getting used to the fact that we're out of school. I don't think I even realized we were in school when we were. I'm in a blur constantly. Hmmm...I may need to fix that.

2004-06-05T13:48:00.000-04:00

I'm doing it again.

And believe you me, I feel stupider for it this time.

2004-06-03T14:23:00.000-04:00

I'm back to more strange dreams, again. It's that person, and once again, I'm searching for them but can't find them...only for a fleeting moment, and then they are gone. I find myself caught up in obstacles on a search, and by the time I find my way out, they're leaving, going, gone. Will this madness never end?

2004-06-01T22:42:00.000-04:00

Driving around with windows down tonight, the warm breeze blowing through my hair, I thought about summer nights, and how magical they seem to be... Pink Moon (by Nick Drake) loops through my head; it's a simple song, but it evokes in me thoughts and emotions that I associate with those enchanting summer nights. Ahhh..

I saw it written and I saw it say
Pink moon is on its way
And none of you stand so tall
Pink moon gonna get you all
It's a pink moon
It's a pink moon
It's a pink, pink, pink, pink, pink moon
It's a pink, pink, pink, pink, pink moon

-Nick Drake